Dubbyuh's Inauguration Speech...Between the Lines

On this day, prescribed by law and marked by ceremony, we celebrate the durable wisdom of our Constitution (Which I will ignore at my convenience), and recall the deep commitments that unite our country (You do what I say, when I say it). I am grateful for the honor of this hour, mindful of the consequential times in which we live, and determined to fulfill the oath that I have sworn and you have witnessed.
At this second gathering, our duties are defined not by the words I use, but by the history we have seen together. For a half a century, America defended our own freedom by standing watch on distant borders. After the shipwreck of communism came years of relative quiet, years of repose, years of sabbatical. And then there came a day of fire.
We have seen our vulnerability and we have seen its deepest source. For as long as whole regions of the world simmer in resentment and tyranny prone to ideologies that feed hatred and excuse murder, violence will gather and multiply in destructive power, and cross the most defended borders, and raise a mortal threat. There is only one force of history that can break the reign of hatred and resentment, and expose the pretensions of tyrants and reward the hopes of the decent and tolerant, and that is the force of human freedom.
We are led, by events and common sense, to one conclusion: The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of liberty in other lands (So, as long as we are engaged in illegal and unjust wars of aggression abroad, I will continue to curtail civil-liberties and undermine the Constitution here at home.). The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion (Of US markets…) of freedom in all the world.
America's vital interests and our deepest beliefs are now one (America uber allen!). From the day of our founding, we have proclaimed that every man and woman on this earth has rights, and dignity, and matchless value (Not so much so, since slavery was an institution in this country for the first 100 years or so, but I knew that), because they bear the image of the maker of heaven and earth. Across the generations we have proclaimed the imperative of self-government because no one is fit to be a master and no one deserves to be a slave. Advancing these ideals is the mission that created our nation. It is the honorable achievement of our fathers. Now it is the urgent requirement of our nation's security, and the calling of our time.
So it is the policy of the United States to seek and support the growth of democratic movements and institutions in every nation and culture (But only so long as they allow US corporations to exploit their resources and populations unchecked), with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world.
This is not primarily the task of arms, though we will defend ourselves and our friends by force of arms when necessary (And…whenever we feel like it.). Freedom, by its nature, must be chosen, and defended by citizens (Just like in Iraq.), and sustained by the rule of law and the protection of minorities . And when the soul of a nation finally speaks, the institutions that arise may (Just like in Iraq.) reflect customs and traditions very different from our own. America will not impose our own style of government on the unwilling . Our (Just like in Iraq.) goal instead is to help others find their own voice, attain their own freedom, and make their own way (Just like...Awww hell, you get the idea.).
The great objective of ending tyranny is the concentrated work of generations(So we’re gonna be at war for the foreseeable future…Get over it) . The difficulty of the task is no excuse for avoiding it. America's influence is not unlimited, but fortunately for the oppressed, America's influence is considerable (At least it was before I pissed it away by invading Iraq.), and we will use it confidently in freedom's cause (Whenever we feel like it or when US corporate interests are threatened.). My most solemn duty is to protect this nation(Especially US corporate interests abroad.) and its people from further attacks and emerging threats. Some have unwisely chosen to test America's resolve, and have found it firm.
We will persistently clarify the choice before every ruler and every nation: The moral choice between oppression, which is always wrong, and freedom, which is eternally right. America will not pretend that jailed dissidents prefer their chains, or that women welcome humiliation and servitude (Unless, of course, they’re single mothers on welfare, living in poverty, and can’t find a decent job or affordable daycare), or that any human being aspires to live at the mercy of bullies (Unless, of course, you disagree with me.).
We will encourage reform in other governments (Offer void in Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Russia, China and all of Africa) by making clear that success in our relations will require the decent treatment of their own people. America's belief in human dignity will guide our policies. Yet rights must be more than the grudging concessions of dictators; they are secured by free dissent and the participation of the governed. In the long run, there is no justice without freedom, and there can be no human rights without human liberty (Unless they interfere with US corporate interests and their profit margins).
Some, I know, have questioned the global appeal of liberty though this time in history, four decades defined by the swiftest advance of freedom ever seen, is an odd time for doubt. Americans, of all people, should never be surprised by the power of our ideals (But they should be surprised if I actually live up to them.). Eventually, the call of freedom comes to every mind and every soul. We do not accept the existence of permanent tyranny because we do not accept the possibility of permanent slavery (Unless, of course, it yields a higher annual profits for US companies and my campaign contributors.). Liberty will come to those who love it.
Today, America speaks anew to the peoples of the world:
All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: the United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for your liberty, we will stand with you (Offer void in Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Uzbekistan and the whole of Africa.).
Democratic reformers facing repression, prison, or exile can know: America sees you for who you are: the future leaders of your free country (But only so long as you allow US corporations and my campaign contributors rape your nation.).
The rulers of outlaw regimes can know that we still believe as Abraham Lincoln did: Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves; and, under the rule of a just God, cannot long retain it (But not me…I’m on a mission from God.).
The leaders of governments with long habits of control need to know: To serve your people, you must learn to trust them (But only as long as they agree with you. At the first sign of dissent, crush them like grapes.). Start on this journey of progress and justice and America will walk at your side (If I feel like it.). And all the allies of the United States can know: we honor your friendship, we rely on your counsel (When I feel like it), and we depend on your help (But only when I’ve gotten America’s ass in a crack that it can’t get out of.). Division among free nations is a primary goal of freedom's enemies (And I’ve done a pretty damn good job of isolating the US from the rest of the world). The concerted effort of free nations to promote democracy is a prelude to our enemies' defeat (Just like in Iraq.). Today, I also speak anew to my fellow citizens: From all of you, I have asked patience in the hard task of securing America (And I really haven’t done anything to secure America.), which you have granted in good measure. Our country has accepted obligations that are difficult to fulfill, and would be dishonorable to abandon (You remember that thing about our ass being in a crack?). Yet because we have acted in the great liberating tradition of this nation, tens of millions have achieved their freedom (Where did that happen again?). And as hope kindles hope, millions more will find it. By our efforts, we have lit a fire as well, a fire in the minds of men. It warms those who feel its power, it burns those who fight its progress (Get in our way and we’ll bust a cap in your dumb ass.), and one day this untamed fire of freedom will reach the darkest corners of our world. A few Americans have accepted the hardest duties in this cause (Me too! Just like in Vietnam.) in the quiet work of intelligence and diplomacy, the idealistic work of helping raise up free governments, the dangerous and necessary work of fighting our enemies. Some have shown their devotion to our country in deaths that honored their whole lives and we will always honor their names and their sacrifice.
All Americans have witnessed this idealism, and some for the first time. I ask our youngest citizens to believe the evidence of your eyes. You have seen duty and allegiance in the determined faces of our soldiers. You have seen that life is fragile, and evil is real (I see it every time I look in the mirror.), and courage triumphs. Make the choice to serve in a cause larger than your wants, larger than yourself and in your days you will add not just to the wealth of our country (But only to that of my campaign contributors.), but to its character (Which I totally lack).
America has need of idealism and courage (Which I totally lack.), because we have essential work at home, the unfinished work of American freedom. In a world moving toward liberty, we are determined to show the meaning and promise of liberty (At least until I suspend the Constitution and declare myself “President for life”.).
In America's ideal of freedom, citizens find the dignity and security of economic independence (Until it interferes with the profits of my campaign contributors.), instead of laboring on the edge of subsistence (For as long as we can get away with keeping you there.). This is the broader definition of liberty that motivated the Homestead Act, the Social Security Act and the G.I. Bill of Rights. And now we will extend this vision by reforming great institutions to serve the needs of our time (We’ll gut them like fish so my buddies on Wall Street can charge everyone fees out the wazoo.). To give every American (Not really, just all y’all that donated so much time and money to my coronation festivities.) a stake in the promise and future of our country, we will bring the highest standards to our schools (But the funding will never be made available because I’m gonna make them tax-cuts permanent.) and build an ownership society (Owned by me and my good buddies.). We will widen the ownership of homes and businesses, retirement savings and health insurance preparing our people for the challenges of life in a free society. By making every citizen an agent of his or her own destiny (Social safety-net…? You must be joking.), we will give our fellow Americans greater freedom from want and fear (Thanks to our ministry of propaganda, also know as the “mainstream media”, that's what you'll think anyways.) , and make our society more prosperous and just and equal (With me and my campaign contributors being waaaaay more equal than the rest of y’all.).
In America's ideal of freedom, the public interest depends on private character (Which I am completely lacking…), on integrity and tolerance toward others (Also completely lacking…), and the rule of conscience (Nope, don’t have one of those either.) in our own lives. Self-government relies, in the end, on the governing of the self (My colorful past shows how capable I am of that.). That edifice of character is built in families, supported by communities with standards, and sustained in our national life by the truths of Sinai, the Sermon on the Mount, the words of the Koran, and the varied faiths of our people. Americans move forward in every generation by reaffirming all that is good and true that came before ideals of justice and conduct that are the same yesterday, today, and forever.
In America's ideal of freedom, the exercise of rights is ennobled by service, and mercy and a heart for the weak (Compassionate conservatism – Shoot the wounded. It’s a mercy, and we don't have to pay for their health-care.). Liberty for all does not mean independence from one another. Our nation relies on men and women who look after a neighbor and surround the lost with love. Americans, at our best, value the life we see in one another, and must always remember that even the unwanted have worth (Especially as cannon fodder and slave labor). And our country must abandon all the habits of racism, because we cannot carry the message of freedom and the baggage of bigotry at the same time.
From the perspective of a single day, including this day of dedication, the issues and questions before our country are many. From the viewpoint of centuries, the questions that come to us are narrowed and few. Did our generation advance the cause of freedom (Not on my watch we won’t!)? And did our character bring credit to that cause?
These questions that judge us also unite us, because Americans of every party and background, Americans by choice and by birth, are bound to one another in the cause of freedom. We have known divisions, which must be healed to move forward in great purposes and I will strive in good faith to heal them (I’m gonna reach out to the loyal opposition…And bitch-slap ‘em until they do what I tell ‘em.). Yet those divisions do not define America. We felt the unity and fellowship of our nation when freedom came under attack, and our response came like a single hand over a single heart (Remember…? I told y’all to go shopping.). And we can feel that same unity and pride whenever America acts for good, and the victims of disaster are given hope, and the unjust encounter justice, and the captives are set free (So, y’all just keep shopping and ignore what’s going on in the rest of the world.).
We go forward with complete confidence in the eventual triumph of freedom. Not because history runs on the wheels of inevitability; it is human choices that move events. Not because we consider ourselves a chosen nation (That’s because I’m God’s chosen.); God moves and chooses as He wills (And his will is my will because he told me so.). We have confidence because freedom is the permanent hope of mankind, the hunger in dark places, the longing of the soul. When our Founders declared a new order of the ages, when soldiers died in wave upon wave for a union based on liberty, when citizens marched in peaceful outrage under the banner Freedom Now they were acting on an ancient hope that is meant to be fulfilled. History has an ebb and flow of justice, but history also has a visible direction, set by liberty and the Author of Liberty (And liberty is what I tell you it is, so GET OVER IT.).
When the Declaration of Independence was first read in public and the Liberty Bell was sounded in celebration, a witness said, It rang as if it meant something. In our time it means something still. America, in this young century, proclaims liberty throughout all the world, and to all the inhabitants thereof. Renewed in our strength, tested but not weary we are ready for the greatest achievements in the history of freedom.
May God bless you, and may He watch over the United States of America (‘Cuz God’s on our side. He told me so this morning.).